The 3 Winners of the New Hampshire Primaries

Iain Coston

Authors Note: The votes from the Granite state are in! And you don't have to have gotten first place to pull out ahead.

As you read you'll notice there are two newcomers to the winners list. You'll read that this shows the importance of a good ground game, a disregard for political correctness, and the crucial ingredient of being authentic.

Honorable Mention: Jeb Bush

Good job for this guy, man. The other Bush Bro. He used to be the front-runner. People were all up in arms and complaining about how it was going to be a Bush-Clinton election cycle. We were all ready to bring out our crowns and claim that we had become like the kingdoms of old. Then his coronation party got crashed, thrashed, thrown into a garbage bag and thrown into the river tied to a cinder block by the Trump show. He was mired in the lowwww single digits for so long. But even after all of that. he was able to crack double-digits this time, so good job Jeb! (The exclamation point wasn't because I'm excited. Apparently that's how he spells his name now).

1. Sanders

Bernie Sanders is here again because he did what was expected: Dominate Hilary. He did it in...well...dominating fashion. Where Clinton won Iowa by a very slim margin, Sanders won New Hampshire by double-digits. He has a powerful message and is consistent in his beliefs, something the people of the Granite state apparently appreciate. This was needed for Bernie to continue to get the vigorous support of his followers, considering he doesn't take money from Wall Street (at least that's what we've heard). He has been able to separate himself from Clinton in that regard, which can be hard considering they're both uber-progressives. However, I actually think the reason he's winning is because he has his own Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor. 

Yes, that is very real.

Although, I have to call hypocrisy on the Vermont Senator. He claims to not want support from the rich and powerful, but has HIS OWN FLAVOR ON THE BEST ICE CREAM IN THE UNIVERSE?!??!?!!? For shame Bernie, for shame. Good job on the win though.

2. Trump

Like Sanders, Trump wants to overthrow the current system, and he says what he believes. It may change every few years, but he's honest about what's under his hair-like synthetic material. What I think happened is that Trump had a couple things going for him. He a) didn't have as large a percentage of evangelicals in the New Hampshire pool and b) he actually campaigned. The Donald was on the ground a lot more, moving around the state and showing people what he is all about (even if that is mentioning certain unmentionables). However, there weren't as many evangelicals for Cruz to gobble up, so that's something that Trump needs to keep his eye on when looking forward to South Carolina. And not saying naughty words might help a bit also.

3. Kasich

This has to be a feel-good story. Kasich doesn't call anyone out in a rude manner, doesn't get too flustered, and is "cool with whatever happens." He's just a cool dude, man. Or lady. Or dog. I don't judge my readers. 

Former Governor of Ohio, John Kasich was able to pull above Rubio, Cruz, and the rest, even though he's not the flashiest candidate in the race this year. People were wondering if his ground game would do anything to help him, and it sure did. Of the top candidates, he needed this placing the most. He doesn't have much money (at least not right now), so this is what was needed to propel him further in this race. The next step is for other candidates to drop out to see if Trump actually has a ceiling. For those who are anti-Trump, y'all better hope that ceiling is made out of concrete and steel, 'cause if Trump has his way, Kasich's uprising will be nothing more than a Nerf gun shooting at the Pentagon. A cool Nerf gun, mind you, but Nerf nonetheless. 


There are your three winners of the New Hampshire primaries! Do you think there are any other winners? You think I'm incorrect in my assumptions? I'd love to hear the qualms of the people. Comment below please to further the conversation of the masses. Or go catch up on all the Hannibal Buress that's on Netflix now. 
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Iain Coston