3 Lessons the New Hampshire Primaries Taught us

Author's Note: People won, people lost, so what do we do with this information?

As I wrote earlier, there were three clear winners of the New Hampshire primaries, but there is a lot more to glean from the overall results. We saw different strategies employed in the Granite State than in Iowa, and we got substantially different results. Here, we will look at what we can look forward to going into South Carolina and beyond, and what voters will actually consider when voting for a candidate. Get out your shovels, cause we're going to really dig into this....
.....
........
Get it?
---
yes
---
'Cause, shovel...dig...it's a--
---
I get it.

1. "Independents" Go for Trump
Independents are important, and they probably really affected the elections yesterday. Due to the crowded GOP field, New Hampshire-ites had a lot of choices, and 35.3% of them chose the Donald. When looking at the numbers, Trump got a healthy amount of support from moderates. He and Kasich tied at the top  among that demographic. The edge that Trump had over John "second place" Kasich, is that he dominated him among conservatives. It was kind of sad. Like watching Hayden Christensen work with a George Lucas script.

Sorry Hayden.

With a field so crowded you can't make your way to the open bar, Trump will probably continue to do fairly well. The support stays split, and that usually favors polarizing candidates when there are five five other not-so-polarizing candidates for the rest of us to choose from. The only way to beat him is to have a few of the others drop out. Luckily, a few of them already have, which only leaves a few more stragglers left...

Sorry Ben.

Just remember guys, if Trump ends up being our president, in the words of Trump to New Hampshire, "You started it."

2. A Flub Won't Go Unnoticed (But the Attacker Might Be)
I'm pretty sure Marco Rubio didn't want to finish less than second. I'm even more sure that he didn't want to finish fifth. But that might just be me. 

With Rubio, he knows that his flub on Saturday killed him and his momentum. He might be able to get over it, but it was pretty bad. Like, really bad. It's so bad...you know what, if you haven't seen it (or want to re-watch the train-wreck) check it out for yourself in it's full glory here.

Yeah dude.

In case you didn't  notice, Chris Christie was the samurai who sliced and diced up Rubio like shitaki mushrooms. However, while Rubio took a big his Christie didn't rise as much as Rubio fell. What that shows is that people didn't want to vote for Rubio as much as many thought, but they didn't give those votes to the man who revealed a potential major weakness in Rubio. It seems that they distributed those votes to Trump. So while people do care about someone's credibility, they don't necessarily care about whoever takes down that credibility. The result? The attacker (Christie) does so poorly he is forced to suspend his campaign.

3. The Ground Game is Important
John Kasich is already being labeled the anti-Trump. He is much more moderate, cool-headed, and has a healthy amount of experience as the governor of Ohio. 

Sorry Ohio.

However, he did substantially better than the other governors running for office, especially when you include the ones who were forced to drop out months ago. The difference? There could be a ton, but I noticed that he is staying fairly center in a party that is very staunchly conservative, and is getting out this message personally. People even traveled unpaid to campaign in his "army." This speaks to the fact that he does have good support, and some of them are as devoted as many Trump-ites. Kasich obviously mastered his ability to make up for what he lacked in flashy hair-synthetics and real-estate-mogul-looking Botox, with a solid approach and lots of hard work going door to door. This will be interesting to see going forward, and will see if New Hampshire is an isolated occurrence, or a pattern. 

-----

Did you like what I had to say? yes? No?...Okay, you don't have to be mean about it. But do carry on the conversation in the comments, and let me know what else can be gleaned (I like that word) from the Granite State results.
-----

Iain Coston

The 3 Winners of the New Hampshire Primaries

Iain Coston

Authors Note: The votes from the Granite state are in! And you don't have to have gotten first place to pull out ahead.

As you read you'll notice there are two newcomers to the winners list. You'll read that this shows the importance of a good ground game, a disregard for political correctness, and the crucial ingredient of being authentic.

Honorable Mention: Jeb Bush

Good job for this guy, man. The other Bush Bro. He used to be the front-runner. People were all up in arms and complaining about how it was going to be a Bush-Clinton election cycle. We were all ready to bring out our crowns and claim that we had become like the kingdoms of old. Then his coronation party got crashed, thrashed, thrown into a garbage bag and thrown into the river tied to a cinder block by the Trump show. He was mired in the lowwww single digits for so long. But even after all of that. he was able to crack double-digits this time, so good job Jeb! (The exclamation point wasn't because I'm excited. Apparently that's how he spells his name now).

1. Sanders

Bernie Sanders is here again because he did what was expected: Dominate Hilary. He did it in...well...dominating fashion. Where Clinton won Iowa by a very slim margin, Sanders won New Hampshire by double-digits. He has a powerful message and is consistent in his beliefs, something the people of the Granite state apparently appreciate. This was needed for Bernie to continue to get the vigorous support of his followers, considering he doesn't take money from Wall Street (at least that's what we've heard). He has been able to separate himself from Clinton in that regard, which can be hard considering they're both uber-progressives. However, I actually think the reason he's winning is because he has his own Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream flavor. 

Yes, that is very real.

Although, I have to call hypocrisy on the Vermont Senator. He claims to not want support from the rich and powerful, but has HIS OWN FLAVOR ON THE BEST ICE CREAM IN THE UNIVERSE?!??!?!!? For shame Bernie, for shame. Good job on the win though.

2. Trump

Like Sanders, Trump wants to overthrow the current system, and he says what he believes. It may change every few years, but he's honest about what's under his hair-like synthetic material. What I think happened is that Trump had a couple things going for him. He a) didn't have as large a percentage of evangelicals in the New Hampshire pool and b) he actually campaigned. The Donald was on the ground a lot more, moving around the state and showing people what he is all about (even if that is mentioning certain unmentionables). However, there weren't as many evangelicals for Cruz to gobble up, so that's something that Trump needs to keep his eye on when looking forward to South Carolina. And not saying naughty words might help a bit also.

3. Kasich

This has to be a feel-good story. Kasich doesn't call anyone out in a rude manner, doesn't get too flustered, and is "cool with whatever happens." He's just a cool dude, man. Or lady. Or dog. I don't judge my readers. 

Former Governor of Ohio, John Kasich was able to pull above Rubio, Cruz, and the rest, even though he's not the flashiest candidate in the race this year. People were wondering if his ground game would do anything to help him, and it sure did. Of the top candidates, he needed this placing the most. He doesn't have much money (at least not right now), so this is what was needed to propel him further in this race. The next step is for other candidates to drop out to see if Trump actually has a ceiling. For those who are anti-Trump, y'all better hope that ceiling is made out of concrete and steel, 'cause if Trump has his way, Kasich's uprising will be nothing more than a Nerf gun shooting at the Pentagon. A cool Nerf gun, mind you, but Nerf nonetheless. 


There are your three winners of the New Hampshire primaries! Do you think there are any other winners? You think I'm incorrect in my assumptions? I'd love to hear the qualms of the people. Comment below please to further the conversation of the masses. Or go catch up on all the Hannibal Buress that's on Netflix now. 
-----

Iain Coston

Ted Cruz Must Be the Next POTUS

Iain Coston

Author's Note: In this series, I will be examining the top three reasons why each candidate should be the next President of The United States. This is the fourth.

Voting begins tonight for New Hampshire. Before those lovely folk cast their ballots, I want to look at some things they might want to consider about Ted Cruz before making their decision. I've already written about Marco Rubio, Donald Trump and Bernie Sanders, so naturally, this "Constitution warrior" needs his fair shake.

1. He is Tactical
I believe the best way to communicate a point is by short, simple and concise messages. Whether by words, song, painting, or picture, sometimes an argument can be understood with just a...well....

You dig?

As my dad would say, Cruz is a sharp cat. That is, if that cat is named Fluffernutters, and lays out Hotwheels in the middle of the night for you to slip on when you go to the bathroom.

Cruz has been grooming his tactical mind for years. He was a stud on the Princeton Debate team and, as the above shows, didn't give two taco supremos about how terrible his room's color scheme was, as long as he was smart and knew everything about politics. He even showed his prowess by winning Iowa , but at a cost. Some of these votes might have been garnered due to a tactical decision Cruz made. He kind of told voters in Iowa that Carson dropped out...when he didn't. He also did a few other things that apparently people were not happy with his tactics, especially the governor of Iowa. And the secretary of Iowa. Or Ben Carson. Don't worry though, if Cruz is elected President, I think it could be a good thing to have a president who does whatever it takes to win. As long as no more college photos come to the surfa---

shiver

2. He Loves America

Cruz really wants you to know this. He realllyyy does...also, he likes to make jokes about beating his wife...

Yeah, same.

The thing is though, you want a passionate leader in the white house. It would be bad for everyone if the leader of the free world couldn't care less about the state and well-being of the nation. He wants to pound down the enemies. Like ISIS. And ISIS sucks (I have a t-shirt idea for that, don't steal it). When it comes to standing firm in the face of the enemy, or uniting a nation in tragedy, love of country is something we all cherish and hope for in a leader. Even if you hate his guts, I probably wouldn't believe you if you said you didn't respect his love of country. But then again, I probably don't know you, and for me to judge you like that would be very un-Christian of me.

*whispers*  He's watching...

3. Not Afraid of the Big Bad Media
If you're not a fan of the "Lame-stream Media", then Cruz is the one for you. It's not an easy thing to go up against a massive behemoth like the media. I love the media. I kind of am part of the media, and people are scared to go up against me. But that's usually only after I haven't showered for a few days. The thing is, there are a lot of talented roasters out there who people listen to (such as Jon Stewart, Chris Matthews, Greg Gutfeld and Stephen Colbert). These types of folks have great influence, and will go after you if they have the chance. So to have the guts to attack the media to it's face should be considered. 

------

There you have it. A few things that most people should be able to respect about Ted Cruz. Are you aware of other universal qualities of this candidate that I didn't mention? Let me hear it in the comments. I always love hearing from the people. Even if those people are out to throw tomatoes at me. 
---
Iain Coston

The 3 Winners of the Iowa Caucuses

Iain Coston

Author's Note: Voting has officially started for the nominees. Let's see who did a good 'ol job.

Yay! The voting has finally kicked off. Albiet in Iowa, some of it is kind of quirky, and quirky things scare me and have a tendency to give me bad dreams. However, it's politics so that's expected. Before you continue, remember that winning a state doesn't necessarily bode well for certain candidates at certain times. There are many factors that go into how the rest of the country decides who it's nominee is, which means it's difficult for political forecasters to predict how it'll all end. Still, it's fun to pretend like we know what will happen.

1. Bernie Sanders
Bernie Sanders is doing something great. So far he is running the closest that we've seen of a successful grassroots campaign in a long time. He tied with Hillary, and that's from being behind by 30 points in the polls last year. At least, he thinks it's basically tied still. They technically gave the remaining delegates to Hillary, but that was via a coin toss....
That's not a joke. There were voting areas where people disappeared, so they literally flipped a coin to make up the errors. Chance had Hillary win all five times. 

Not that Chance.*

But despite all this, Sanders is the real winner. Why? There are a lot of different predictions and opinions on why winning or placing a certain rank matters, but mine is simply that he did better than expected. He might have won Iowa. We just don't know because people literally vanished. And think how this makes Clinton's camp look. She's supposed to be waltzing to the nomination, and now she basically tied in Iowa and her chances to win New Hampshire do not look good. If she's dancing, it sure isn't a waltz. It's like she's trying to...whip and nae-nae or something...

...I'll go with "or something."

Either way, she is #FeelingtheBern. Someone who hopes to face him in the general election is...

2. Ted Cruz
Cruz had a different battle than Sanders did. There's no contest as to if he could out-publicize Trump (he lost that if you couldn't tell). This was the first test to see if he could out-campaign him. Publicity is a huge part in campaigning, but if that's all you do, it can only take you so far. He proved he can out-campaign Trump, at least in Iowa, and that's good for him going forward. Although, if he falls flat in New Hampshire, it would be reaaallllllllyyy awkward. Probably nothing could top that awkwardness.

Umm...alriiight....you know who is a little less awkward?

3. Marco Rubio
Now, I'm not just putting him in here because of his physique. But you can read all about that here. He got third in Iowa. Now while that might only get you a bronze in the Olympics, this could get him that cool gold stuff I keep hearing about. For him, he wins because Ted and Trump are the main targets, placing first and second respectively, while he still is getting support. The top three all scored in the 20's, so a third-place finish with this many candidates and this close of a race isn't the worst thing in the world. He is still a hope for you "mainstream Republicans" out there (whatever that means). Don't worry, he is still relevant, and his trajectory is looking pretty swell.

There you go, the three winners of the Iowa Caucuses. Questions? Comments? Contributions? Donations? Leave your thoughts below. There are still many states to go (by my calculations, I believe that totals 49) so don't get your knickers in a twist just yet if your favorite candidate isn't doing as well as you'd hoped...unless you're an O'Malley or Huckabee guy (or gal). Their campaigns are dead. Deader than anything that has ever died. As far as their campaigns go, there's only one thing left to do.

*sniff* They groove like gods.**



*If you don't know who Chance the Rapper is, Google him you dumb-dumb.
**Great album name by the way. Don't steal it, its MINE!
-------

Iain Coston

Bernie Sanders Must Be the Next POTUS

Iain Coston

Author's Note: In this series, I will be examining the top three reasons why each candidate should be the next President of The United States. This is the third.


As voting begins for the primaries tomorrow, I wanted to make sure I wrote this before any decision is made. Because I have such tremendous influence on others, I wanted to get my two cents in before ballots are cast. As you may know, the reason for this post's existence is for me to find three things in every candidate that will not make people go

if they're elected president. Now go get an icepack, it's time to #FeeltheBern

1. He's Practical kind of
One of my pet peeves when citizens are having arguments, is when people can't decipher when someone is explaining something that is a logistical or practical observation, versus an opinion of what they want. For instance, when I wrote a post on the minimum wage, my intention was to create an explanation of what the experts and facts are trying to tell us. Of course, people (including myself) are wrong all the time, but it's not as if I want people to be paid less. My personal desire is for no one to have to worry about money. However, I simply believe that on the list of things that create helpful  economic opportunities for the marginalized, minimum wage is not found. You can want certain things but know that that's not how the world works.
---
Is this about Bernie or you?
---
I'm getting to that. It's called analysis.
---
Hurry
---
Well, maybe I'd get to it faster if you would be quiet.
---

Sorry...
---
It's okay...just...just pay attention, okay?
---
*sniff*
---
Anyways, Bernie has publicly been shanked for this. At the first Democratic debate hosted by CNN, the other candidates didn't like that he criticized them on their approach to add laws to tighten gun control. They wanted the moon, the stars, and the cow that has the fantastic calves to jump over them all. However, whether or not that's good or bad morally, Sanders correctly tried to remind them that Republicans don't like their position. His point was that a president has to work with people who disagree with him or her, and asking for extremes on either side isn't a practical way to get laws passed. Unfortunately, his fellow candidates took that as him siding with the GOP, rather than realizing he was only pointing out they're tough to work with. Good job Bernie.

2. He's honest but not offensive
This probably is only here because of the hair-who-must-not-be-named, but it is relevant nonetheless. This election has been a lot about comparing candidates who are authentic, and those who exist to serve self-interest groups. While I am of the belief most of them are a little bit of both, Sanders is probably one that is heavily authentic. I only say "probably" because I think there's still some scenario where he is a secret sleeper-cell agent hired by McDonald's. If not, his authenticity is something I think most can appreciate. What is even better is that he goes out of his way to be polite and keep it on the issues, even when his main opponent is under investigation by the FBI. What a guy. To me, it's refreshing. He's no nonsense, likes to talk about the issues, and is classy about it. And it's attracting a lot of people, with many who even like to dress up like him. They eat this stuff up.

Yummy

3. He wrote Seinfeld
I know this may come as a surprise, but Seinfeld is one of the greatest shows in the history of television. It'd be insane to not include this. If his presidency is a tenth as good as Seinfeld was, America will definitely be great again. And if you disagree with that, you're probably a communist. Which isn't that far from Sanders, so that might not be as much of an insult to you as it is to me.
---
editor whispers in ear
---
What?
---
whispers
---
Sanders didn't write what?
---
whispers
---
Larry David? Hold on, lemme see....

--------

 

Ohhhhhh....never mind then.

---

There you have it. Three...well...two great reasons why you have to vote for Bernie Sanders. He's a lovable guy who loves to be lovable. What's not to love?

-----

Iain Coston

3 GOP Debate Thoughts

Iain Coston

Author's Note: I watched the entire (?) big debate before people actually start voting for the Republican candidate on Monday. Here's some stuff.

I like to think of the GOP debates along the lines of a super cool gladiator fight. Just without the gladiators, the cool, and the super....Actually, I take that back. Debate is cool. Yeah, that's right, I think debate is cool. You know who else does probably? 

Dope.

Alright, here are three things that stood out to me last night.

1. The GOP is still diverse
Even without Trump (see below) different people said different things about different ideas that have different implications. That either means the Grand Old Party is fractured, rife with creativity, or doesn't know what's going on. I'd like to think it's the second one, most people probably think the first, and I'm sure it's actually the third...but then again that describes most of my life. 

Yes I am.

As far as what specifically happened, let me indulge you. Rubio did his Rubio thing and talked a lot about how America needs a super-boss good army and how Rand Paul is a terrorist and Ted Cruz is an enabler because he voted for something Paul liked. I would have appreciated it more if Marco Polo kept that in it's own field of defense, instead of trying to bring up how horrible Rand Paul is whenever he was mentioned.

Luckily, there was also good discussion on Iran sanctions, like how long one should wait to tear up the Iran deal. I think the average time was five minutes after the first cup of afternoon tea at the White House. 

Besides that, there was the usual discussion of how many tax cuts there should be, where they should be, and when they should be. If you like ideas for tax reform, this was a buffet.

Also, there was debate between who among the top-tier candidates would get the "liberty" vote that Ron Paul created within the GOP. Which I can only assume created some semblance of awkwardness when the moderators asked Rand Paul what he thought of his dad (Ron) thinking Ted Cruz would get those votes. That's more awkward than...

*shivers*
---
In the end, Rand laid down a sick burn by claiming that Cruz was the only Republican to miss the vote on auditing the fed soooo if you're a nerd and know what that means, then you'll know that comment was total fire. 

2.Clinton got bashed

Bet you didn't see that coming. You know though, the best line on this subject came from Carly Fiorina, even though she was regulated to the under-card debate. You'll see it on the interwebs at some point, but when asked about Clinton, the former HP CEO said,  "She says she's qualified for the white house, she's probably more qualified for the big house."

Oh Snap

I mean, she won't win and stuff, which sometimes makes me sad, but she can really whip out one-liners like Harrison Ford used to whip out six packs. He still kind of does, but now it's the other kind.
---
(whisper)...beer...
---
Shhhhh...this is a family friendly blog.
---
Sorry...
---

Anywho, bashing Clinton is a very knee-jerk reaction at this point, but I mean, that's also what you have to do if you still want to get those obligatory applause moments.

3. Trump kind of proved a point

At this stage in the race, only a few great lines are going to maaaayyybe make a difference. There were a few good ones, but as far as taking down Trump goes, it's like hurling a purple sock filled with D batteries at John Cena. 

Yikes...but I would literally pay to see you do that.

Trump wasn't even there too guys. HE WASN'T EVEN THERE. As badly as many of Americans (and many around the world) would have liked to see Trump take a hit, I'm not sure that happened. There wasn't much that these other GOPers did to make them look even better than the Donald. Because of this, you should dislike the other candidates even more. Why? Because now (if his poll numbers rise or stay the same) Trump can use this to prop himself up. The candidates didn't do much (or enough) to create separation. He can now say he doesn't even need to show up to do well. And if you don't agree then you need to go home and rethink your life.

Thank you Zoidberg.

Point is, Trump probably won in the end, so go home and eat some Little Debbie doughnuts. Preferably chocolate. 

------

Iain Coston